the reason why i'm still a virgin:

...i'm saving myself for john malkovitch.

a university student's survival guide to final exams- written by a true underachiever

1) begin contemplation of study schedules a month prior to finals. it will take about 3 and a half weeks to actually implement one.

2) study anywhere except your place of residence. all places of residence have immediate curses placed upon them when you enroll at a university.

3) coffee can be used as a meal replacer, but only for two meals a day at most. i wouldn't suggest stretching it to three, but go with what feels right.

4) if you are looking for inspiration, i would suggest watching a few episodes of Felicity to see what real college kids do at exam time.

5) change study locations daily. once you've successfully completed a study session at a said establishment, it loses its charm.

6) takes naps during the day. after midnight is the perfect time to power study- please note that the residence curse is not in effect between the hours of 12am-5am. you may use this time slot to study at home.

7) yes, crying IS a sign of weakness.

8) no, breakdown is NOT an option.

9) if you are going to keep your cell phone on while studying, leave on a generic ringtone, as to avoid getting a tune stuck in your head.

10) wear unattractive clothing during study sessions outside of the house. now is NOT the time to meet boys... unless they are in your class and have a higher average than you. in that case, FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT!

Follow these ten tips and you are sure to make it through finals alive.
*NOTE* these tips do not guarantee high grades. only high spirits. well-not even. but you will get to watch a lot of Felicity.

good luck and god speed, my children.