styrofoam saved my life

Today has been a pretty traumatizing and painful day.

It started off with a trip to the building where they take your blood and leave bruises on your arms as if you were a junkie. Do you ever get the feeling that you might be dying but nobody wants to tell you? I got that feeling this morning during my blood tests. My doctor sent me for pretty routine tests. Plus I needed a follow up to my past years of arthritis (thats right... its not just for old people). Well, I'm not sure why, but they passed me to the front of the line, which was nearing thirty or so people. I got up from the waiting room almost a minute after I sat down in the waiting room full of grumpy patients. I walked out, trying hard not to notice the glares from those who I butted in front of.

So I get into the blood taking room and there were two women waiting for me... Now I've had many blood tests before and none of them have ever required the presence of two people. But then I saw why. Sitting on the counter next to the chair were about 20 different empty tubes, which I would soon come to learn were all reserved for me. I didn't even know I had that much blood in me to give. They took my blood, asking me every two seconds if I was alright. I left the clinic wondering when I would receive the bad news of my impending death. At least I only spent twenty minutes at the clinic when my mom insisted I would wait all day for waking up so late and taking my time to get there...

But my story doesn't end here....

After an afternoon of light headedness and sleeping, I felt well enough to venture downtown with my buddies. So we ventured out into the cold to make it downtown for the premiere of Hide and Seek with Dakota Fanning (which I soon renamed Marco Polo). The traffic was pretty light on the highway (or freeway...whatever you Americans wish to call it) so we were travelling at a pretty breezy speed. Of course, traffic can be finicky sometimes. I had to slow down pretty quickly, which I managed to accomplish successfully. Unfortunately, my impecable driving skills did not save me from my fate. The car in back of me slammed into my car and sent us flying.

Anyways, my car is totalled and the worst part is that I had to stand outside in the freezing cold on the side of the highway for thirty minutes while I talked to a french man who barely understood me. My neck hurts and I wish I lived in America, so I could sue and get loads of money and never have to work again. Later in the night, my friends and I were examining my car and my friend, who knows more about cars than most people I know, pointed something out to me. She points to a square piece of ordinary styrofoam and says to me "Look. That little piece of styrofoam saved your life tonight".

Can you believe it? The piece of styrofoam built into my Honda Civic saved my life. Styrofoam. The same styrofoam that made the cups that I used to tear to shreds as a kid at summer camp. Go figure...

But then I wonder... If I'm dying anyways, as my blood test fiasco assured me, why would anyone (higher or lower being) save me with a piece of styrofoam tonight? If I'm going to die, why didn't we get it over with tonight? At least I would have made the papers.

Anyways, I gotta go nurse my aching arm and neck now.

Maybe tommorrow I'll get hit by a bulldozer.

Today's Purchases

A new week, a new line of credit to destroy.

I went to the mall today with the intention of picking up some cds I left behind at work and I ended up leaving with an exausted credit card.
Now, I have already declared myself a dvd and cd junkie, but I think I am taking it too far these days. I have full shelves and stacks and stacks of cds piling up on my floor, and my dvds are starting to slowly catch up with my cds.

While I realize that I have a problem, I am still quite happy with my purchases of the day.

1) CD: The Shins- Oh, Inverted World
I strongly believe that every single person should own a Shins cd.
If you can't bring yourself to buy a whole Shins cd (you creep!) then at least buy the Garden State soundtrack, which features 2 of their songs, along with many other fabulous tracks from various artists.

2) CD: Gavin DeGraw- Chariot
I know it sounds a bit queer, but I love this dude. Now, don't go thinking that I like the show One Tree Hill (even though it is the WB, which happens to be a guilty pleasure of mine). I only really watch One Tree Hill once in awhile for the theme song, I Don't Wanna Be. I really like it. If that destroys a bit of my music credibility, so be it. I'm hoping the rest of the cd will be just as nice and its a good cd to bring to work. Plus, I think he's hot.

3) DVD: Bad Santa (UNRATED)
Whatever. Billy Bob Thornton is a god and I would do the Coen brothers... at the same time. Best christmas movie ever. It is fuckin' hilarious. I have not seen the unrated version yet. I bet its even better. In conclusion- I like nasty movies with Billy Bob Thornton in it.

4) DVD: Back to the Future Trilogy
Well, let me begin by saying that anything with Michael J. Fox in it is an instant classic. I really love these movies. I've wanted it on dvd for awhile and now was the best time because I had a credit for a free dvd at my work. The only thing better than Back to the Future is Back to the Future for free. The only qualms I have with it is that because of this lame province I live in, the package is bilingual. Retour Vers Le Futur. My foot!

5) DVD: Pauly Shore is Dead
I haven't seen this yet but it looks like a masterpiece. It comes out officially in stores tommorrow but I stole it from work a day early. Supposedly Pauly Shore fakes his own death and they interview A-list celebrities and others to see their reactions. Too bad Pauly Shore was dead long before this stunt. There is an appearance by Hanson in it, which upped my interest level past its peak. Is it better to be a dead genius or a living idiot? That's what it asks on the back of the dvd. Wicked cool.

...
Oh... one more... this one is a little embarassing. Let's just say I bought it for my "mother".

6) DVD: Dead Poets Society
I like poetry and I like old dead men and I like it when Robin Williams tries to enlighten people. The End. There is nothing more to discuss about this purchase.

So thats all... Let's call this spending frenzy a celebration of me actually paying my credit card bill on time.

Gotta go.
My new Medicare card came in the mail. I hope my picture came out all right. I'mn going to go call to order a donate my organs sticker to put on the back and then I'm going to try to figure out my online banking once and for all.

tata loonies.

a story of adultery and debauchery... sort of

Sometimes things are funny but we don't really realize the significance of their hilarity until the moment has passed...long ago.
I'm not sure why this memory hit me last night as I was laying down to sleep and why I never paid much attention to this moment when it came. All I know is that I realized that a very classic moment had passed in my life and I forgot about it so quickly that I failed to tell anyone about it, therefore missing out on weeks of giggling and joking around about what could possibly be the only fabulous, scandalous thing that will ever happen to me.
I've never been one to attract much scandal, but here it was, on a head on collision with me and I must now pass on my story to you people.

---------

It was the summer of.... well, let's forget the math for now... it was a few summers ago. I was 17 and I was working as a camp counselor for the summer. On the last day of camp, all of my girls asked me for my phone number so they could keep in touch. Now, I like kids, don't get me wrong, and I had a great summer with all of them because they were absolutely hilarious, but well, the summer is short lived and I have a life the get to when its over that does not involve nightly conversations with nine year old girls who just want to talk about spongebob or whatever was the fad a few summers ago. So I quickly jotted down on a few pieces of paper the number for the phone line at my house that is rarely ever used and passed it around to the girls, adding a couple of XOXOs at the bottom.

That was that and the summer was quickly over. I entered my first year of college and catapulted into fall mode, which included many new outfits of the brown and pink colours and lots and lots of coffee. Once night I was taking a break from my studies so I could catch an episode of Degrassi (thats right... just because I graduated high school doesn't mean I have to stop watching canadian teen drama about it) when the phone rang on the second line. I didn't feel like answering it, but the ringing was so persistent that I caved, just so it would shutup. I sighed and said hello. On the other end was the ackward voice of a man who seemed unsure... of what? Well, we'll soon find out.

"Hi, is Stephanie there?" he asked. I said hello and asked him what he wanted, wondering what would cause a mysterious man to call my house on the unlisted line. He then proceeded to tell me his name and ask me if I knew him. I was baffled and replied that I had no idea. Then, as he muffled the phone, I heard him say to someone in the background, "See, I told you. She doesn't know who I am, and I don't know who she is". After some bickering on the other end, the woman he was talking to gets on the phone and starts shooting questions at me, the accusation in her voice hitting me like a BB gun in the knuckle. It seems as though a paper was found in the man's office with my name and number on it, followed by some XOXOs.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I have no idea what you are talking about. I'm 17 and I don't give my number out to strange men," I said, trying to convince her that I was innocent. But she wouldn't let up. "Then how did your number find its way into my house?" I did not have an answer for that. I thought for a moment and asked her what her name was, once more. She told me and it hit me suddenly. Where had I heard that name before?

"Do you by any chance have a daughter named Samantha?" I asked. The woman told me that Samantha was her niece. I started to laugh and told her that I was Samantha's counselor at camp this summer and that the paper with the number on it was meant for her. It turns out that Samantha had spent the summer with her aunt and uncle and must have left the number behind when she packed up and returned to Newfoundland.

The story ends here. The wife was embarrassed and I was annoyed that I missed the last ten minutes of what had started out as a really dramatic episode of Degrassi. I shrugged it off and went back to my homework and until now forgot that this moment had happened. It only occured to me now that this event could have drastically changed two peoples' lives. Imagine the drama that went on before the phone call was made to me and the harsh words exchanged. What if the husband decided he could no longer live with the woman who could not trust him? I wonder now if this couple is still together, deciding to laugh off the silly incident, or if the drama put too harsh a strain on their marriage and they succumbed to the alienation.

Why had I been involved in the closest thing to a scandal that will ever reach me and I failed to alert anybody. I had the chance to delight my friends with such fabulous gossip and I didn't. I would have been a star. A STAR! I would have been the talk of the day, amongst my 17 year old gal pals. Instead, I continued to listen to their stories, not realized that I had valuable information.

Dolt much?

Space Monkey

Things that I have decided in the past ten minutes, while eating a banana-chocolate space monkey popsicle:

1) Reincarnation is impossible and therefore, I will most probably not return to this earth as america's top model after my death.

2) Aliens did indeed land in Roswell, leading to a mass government cover up, although they probably are not as good looking as Jason Behr and Brendan Fehr from the WB's Roswell.

3) My co-worker's dead fish's spirit is haunting my car and my place of work and is trying to gnaw out my eyeballs.

4) If Global Warming really exists, it sure is taking its sweet ass time to get here.

I would have come to more conclusions, but this is where I finished my popsicle.
And I am absolutely incapable of thought process when I'm not stuffing my face.

So that's all for now, butt-munches...

the only thing my liberal arts education ever taught me:

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.

The barkeeper serves him and as Descartes later gets up to leave, he asks him if he wants a drink for the road.

Descartes ponders for awhile and then replies "I think not".

And with that, POOF, he disappears.

tear?

I think my life might be falling apart.
But thats normal, right?

My blog has suddenly taken a turn to the dramatic side. How OC of me.
Excuse me while I go rip things off my walls like people on tv do when they're upset...

on second thought, I'm going to go curl up in a ball on my bed and listen to leonard cohen while I cry.

goodnight.

its over.

I have nothing of importance to say.

Bite me.

2005?

a new year comes with many new firsts of the year.

I am happy to announce that I have had my first allergic reaction of 2005, at 1:05am this morning from a pair of shedding dogs at a certain new years eve party.

I have also experienced my first crush of 2005 this morning at promptly 9:46am at the drugstore while I was picking up my first box of 2005 tampons for my first period of 2005.

Tonight I shall nostalgically celebrate the greatest decade with a game of trivial pursuit of the 90s with my gal pals.

Tomorrow I will see my first movie of 2005 when I go to see The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

To look back on the past year, I haven't really accomplished much.
And I really plan to accomplish even less this year.

Swell, ain't it?