Midnight Revelations.

So I forgot about this little place. I've been busy partying at the clubs, getting sick, watching movies, working, and of course, cleaning my room and messing it up again.

Here are some revelations in my life from the past week:

Rilo Kiley is my new favorite band.
There is something poetic about a group of former child stars who couldn't quite make it in show business forming an indie rock band.
Le sigh, I LOVE IT.

Know what else I love?
Field of Dreams. I could marry Kevin Costner right now, I love it so much.

I also discovered that Steven Spielberg is my hero and might possibly have always been without me noticing it. Maybe its because I spent 75$ on an E.T. out of print gift set that came with a lot of goodies. People forget what a great film that is. I think I'm going to write a thesis paper on it one day. I'm not sure what class it will be for, but I'll write it.

I've also decided that there is no time like the present to get started on writing my screenplay. Zach Braff started writing the screenplay for Garden State in college, and since I'm taking a semester off from college to "soul search", maybe I should knock out a couple of pages or something.
I'm young, I'm hip, I like to write things...mostly on half used napkins.

Ya. Thats all my brain can handle for tonight. I'm going back to my Nick Drake cds and my pillow.

Goodnight.

Danny Deckchair

I just watched the best movie ever!

It's called Danny Deckchair and its an Australian movie about a guy who floats across Australia on a lawn chair thats tied to a ton of yellow balloons. Then he lands in this hot, country chick's backyard.

I really liked it.

It made me forget that my throat hurts and that I have to work super early tommorrow morning.

Yes, quite good indeed.

GOODNIGHT!

....*cough cough* Merry Christmas to all you non-jews who also happen to like Christ.

atchoo!

I just cleaned my room like there is no fucking tommorrow, people.
I'm talking dustballs the size of my head.
I found artifacts from the 80s.
I'm covered in dirt right now and I think I'm coming down with the flu.

DAMMIT I HATE BEING OFF FROM SCHOOL.
It makes me do stupid things like scrubbing the floorboards...

Partying With Dinosaurs

Last night I went to a party. Well actually... I went to two parties.
The first one was my staff christmas party, where we get to go for expensive cuisine and a trillion rounds of shots for free. We went to this expensive italian restaurant downtown and I got drunk. ish. Then I watched 38 year old men attempt to metaphorically date rape the jailbait from my store's branch. There were lots of frenchies at this party and I found my self quite intrigued listening to different french conversations. It then occured to me that when french people talk (quebecers, that is), no matter what they are saying, it always sounds like poutine. "poutine poutine poutine poutine"... You get the picture.
Anyways, after I left the staff party, I went to a friend's party that he was having to celebrate the upcoming holidays. This party was really weird, because when I showed up, there were people standing outside watching a guy swallow down creamed corn. I didn't really get it and so I went inside where it WASN'T snowing. Then I sat around and marvelled at how much everybody had changed from the last party that was only a little while back at Halloween. I have been somewhat a hermit since then because school was weighing me down like an old lady with too many shoes in her purse, and I haven't had much time to hang out with all those kids. I looked around and these people who were barely recognizable to me and wondered why they ALL chose to grow their hair out like so. All the boys grew their hair in a fashion that made them a couple of notches less attractive than they used to be. And those who didn't grow their hair ugly, had it at least styled ugly. Maybe the theme of the party was "bad hair day" and nobody cared to tell me. I didn't stay very long. I left right after I stole a bunch of mini dinosaur toys that I found on the table and declared mine.
So that was my first night out that I did not have to worry about term papers or exams. It was quite nice. Quite nice indeed.
Tonight I will come home from work and do what a normal kid is supposed to do when the term ends. I'm going to put on pajamas and watch countless hours of trashy television.
hip hip.

DaVinci and Versace

So the other night, my friend and I were discussing my probable move to Toronto next fall and the idea that we are going to be roomates living in such a horrible city. We decided that it was important to get a pet for our apartment. A dog was out, because I don't have the stamina to care for a living creature that requires so much attention, and so was a cat because I am deathly allergic and violently opposed to them.

Then I came up with the idea of pet turtles. At first I wanted just one so that I could name it HalfShell. But my friend said that she would like to have more than one so that we could direct mini plays starring them. The next idea was to get four of them and name them after all the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, while colour coding them. But my friend though that four was too many and that we were thinking too highly of our pet caring capabilities. Two was the magic number at the end of our conversation. Two turtles it was.

But then I was stumped for a name. I couldn't name my turtles after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with only two of them. It would be like an incomplete group. It just wouldn't seem right. And besides, which two to pick? So then I came up with a brilliant idea! Instead of naming them Leonardo and Donatello, I would take their last names, in a somewhat witty reversal of the Ninja Turtles names. Beat them at their own game. So DaVinci was set but what about Donatello? Donatello's real name is Donato di Nicolo Bardi. Nicolo Bardi just did not sound right for a turtle. So then I got to thinking about Donatella Versace and the fabulous impression that Maya Rudolph does on SNL and thats when Versace came to mind for the perfect turtle name.

So DaVinci and Versace it is.
Can you not imagine more perfect names for two turtles?

I am quite proud of myself, thank you very much.

The Faggiest CD on Earth

I stayed up all night making the ultimate compilation cd. Two discs-39 songs. It might possibly be the best compilation cd on earth. I originally made it to piss off the 17 year old, Destiny's Child listening girls who work at my work. I told them they'd be sorry when they forced me to work while listening to Britney Spears, Destiny's Child, and other such really bad musical blasphemy this weekend. And now I have the perfect revenge! Two cds full of Rod Stewart, Bob Dylan, Velvet Underground, Peter Gabriel, The GoGos, The Bangles, The Donnas, and a bunch of indie bands they've never heard of. To me, this is musical heaven. To them, their ears will probably fall off. It is time somebody exposed them to real music anways. HAHAHAHA I giggled in such delight when I even put an REO Speedwagon song on to drive them absolutely mad!!!

I have named my cd: The Faggiest CD on Earth.

I might asked to have this cd buried with me in my death. I even put Hanson on it, but that was for my own pleasure, because those boys happen to be diamonds in my eyes since they went all indie rock on the world.
I did put an Alicia Keys song on it though out of pity for them. I actually kind of like it though...She's pretty nifty when she isn't making music with that Usher character...
Work is going to be soooooooo much fun tonight.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Boys That I Love:

*Topher Grace
-what can I say, Topher? I have a thing for skinny boys. I think you're cute.

*Jake Gyllenhaal
-I'd like so totally do you if Kirsten Dunst would just get away from you.

*Ben Kweller
-I know you really wrote the song Believer for me.

*Adam Green
-you're like Ben Kweller, just with more vulgarity

*The cashier from Indigo
-I'll never buy my books from anyone else ever again.

*Aladdin
-you are definitely the hottest cartoon ever.

*Taylor Hanson
-will you leave your white trash wife and marry me under a willow tree?

*Jacob Hoggard
-you are totally my Canadian Idol.

*The boy in my philosophy class
-even though you cut your hair and it took me weeks to recognize you again, I still love you.

*The new boy on the O.C.
-I turned on the tv tonight, even though I stopped watching that crappy show ages ago, but there you were, with piercing eyes and preppy boy clothing.

INSANITY!!! GRTGKSOSFE! INSANITY!!!

So, last night I found myself at the Montreal premiere of Blade:Trinity. I'm not sure why, two days before wednesday (the big mother exam times two day) I would sacrifice study time to see a final movie in a trilogy I have never seen before, but it was all worth it when Parker Posey turned out to be the bad guy. Dude, she is totally my idol. If I ever turn gay, she's so gonna be the first chick I do.
After the movie, me and the gang (of two) headed over to Reuben's deli (a la request of the jew) for some food, even though I knew perfectly well that I had an essay due at 9 oclock the next morning. I sat down, facing the wall that had all the pictures of the pancakes on it and was overcome with the most incredible urge to eat big mother pancakes with a shitload of syrup. Then the waitress had the AUDACITY to tell me that they only serve them at breakfast time! If I were at Chenoys Deli, they'd serve me pancakes even if it was 2 in the morning!! STUPID FASCIST DELI OWNERS!!! So I ordered a chicken salad instead, which they served to me on a bed of other lettuce... what the hell is with that??
After we stuff our faces, we head back to the indoor parking where I parked my car earlier to assure a toasty car upon my return. Six fricken dollars to park for 3 hours! The parkingf attendant who was working asked me if I had purchased anything in the attached mall and I told him no. THEN he tells me that if I would have, parking would have been half price. Thanks bozo! If I'd have known, I would have bought a 5 cent bubble gum. Now he's a young kid, I'm a good lookin' girl. I flash his a smile and ask him if he'll let me by. And then I get a really harsh NO. Rough and burn. Little dude's got the power (and a lot of acne) and he's more than delighted to use it.
Well who'd have known that I would find myself in the exact same parking lot this morning. It was freezing rain and I was desperate not to leave my car outside. But once I get back to my car and I put my parking ticket in the fixed machine to pay, I find out that during the day it costs 18$!!!! to park. 18 mother fucking dollars!!! I was flabberghasted!!! And the worst part... that stupid runt of a kid was standing there smirking at me the whole time!!!!!! Note to self- Bomb the Villa Maria parking lot... and make sure that self-righteous barftard is working.
Now I should be studying for my exams and of course, I'm not...
Tommorrow is the judgement day and I might not survive it.
Two exams that I am equally ill-prepared for.
SHMOOOBALGERDASH!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm out.
Thanks. Bye.

Oh ya... and it's the first night of Channukah tonight. Let's see those candles burning bright people. In case some of you are wondering, Channukah is the festival of lights. Those jerks who worked for mafia king Anti Tush ruined the jewish temple and they didn't think they had enough oil to last even an hour, but that itty bitty bit of oil lasted eight days and eight nights... hence eight nights of presents (which is bullshit... I never got eight nights of presents). Oh and there were maccabees... and they were hot.
The End.

MAC POULET, G!!

Listen Bitches!

I play this game sometimes, where I sit on a bench and I judge every single person who walks by me.
Today's scene takes place at Mcgill University, with me parking my ass on a stone bench in the hallway, trying to avoid the cold, snowy post-haven "breeze".
This game is my favorite because I get to judge other people and pick apart their flaws and make up tragic stories about them, never having to look at my own lame existence. And I use lame in the lamest terms.
I did a lot of sight-seeing, but I shall comment on only one of them, for I feel that she is a symbol for a large portion of the female population at Mcgill University.

And here it is:
Pretty stylish in that "hi I'm a university student" kind of way. She's wearing a fitted, pink jacket with a matching pair of Uggs boots. She has her hair done in what I like to call the "suburban-Jew ponytail" which consists of your classic ponytail with a random clip stuck on the top of the head for no apparent reason. It doesn't seem to be holding her hair back... It's just standing there. She seems like the kind of girl who has memorized every episode of Sex and the City and listens to Maroon 5 when she's not having a lot of sex with her italian boyfriend, who she is dating to impress her jewish friends with her tolerance. She's probably as vacant as she is good looking, but she probably holds decent grades anyways because of her standardized way of thinking. She'll probably grow out of her taste for italian boys and settle down with a nice jewish boy who makes a lot of money and will take her on cruises every january when she begins to complain about the cold weather. They will have three kids, all boys, and their boys will go to private school and smoke pot on the weekends. She will die eventually and be buried in her old age at the fancy jewish cemetery at the top of the Outremont hill.

Does anybody else have a fascination with judging strangers who don't even notice you?

Pilot and Pussy Inspector

Random Thursday morning-should be writing an essay- thought:

I just found out that Jason Lee named his kid Pilot Inspektor. Sounds like a name of a Russian spy or something. It sounds like a name of one of those kids who plants atomic bombs in marketplaces. I bet he put the K in there instead of the C to make his kid sound like a Russian. Nothing can save that kid from the Gulag now...
I really hope his kid grows up to be a pilot inspector- one of those guys who sits in the cockpit with the pilot and grades the pilot to make sure he's a safe flyer. Then he can print up business cards that say:

Pilot Inspektor

Pilot Inspector

What if Pilot Inspektor marries a girl named Pussy? Then would she be Pussy Inspektor? Imagine her business cards:

Pussy Inspektor

Gynecologist

Then when that time comes for me to visit the gynecologist, I'll get up from the lunchtable and tell all my lady friends that I have to go see the Pussy Inspektor now. I'll go to her office and tell her receptionist that I am here for the Pussy Inspektor. Then I'll sit on one of the pink plastic chairs in the waiting room, until the receptionist tells me that Pussy Inspektor will examine me now. Of course it will be a long wait, because with a name like Pussy Inspektor, even the most illiterate women can find her practice in the phone book. Then Pussy Inspektor will examine my pussy and I will go home and tell my husband that the Pussy Inspektor said that I am clean and healthy.

Pilot and Pussy Inspektor.... Has a nice ring to it, yes?

NO DOUBT.

The Train Is On Fire

My own inadequacy sometimes astounds me.
Does it astound you?

A Modest Proposal

maybe Johnathan Swift had it right...

maybe we SHOULD eat babies (the poor ones, anyways)...

then we'd be full AND underpopulated.

hip hip.